Invisible Face-Melting Rock Frenzy

Last night I witnessed the majesty of the spectacle that is the US Air Guitar Championship. My compatriots and I braved rush hour traffic and torrential downpours in our arduous trek from Frederick to Baltimore and finally to the 930 Club in DC. The heavens erupted with a terrible fury but we were not to be deterred.

If you are unfamiliar with the US Air Guitar Championship, or are simply skeptical that something so outrageous could actually exist, I direct you to their website: The US Air Guitar Championships

It is rock that you cannot see. But it's also so much more. It's a whole lifestyle. Honestly, it would not work at all if people didn't get into it as much as they did. It is the commitment and enthusiasm of the crowd, the promoters, the judges, and of course, the contestants that transforms air guitar from a bunch of clowns running around a stage flailing their arms into a legitimate performance. Everyone is so campy and so self-aware of how goofy the entire concept is that you can't help but love it. It's the spirit of the American people.

The proceedings are administered by long-time veteran of air guitar, Bjorn Toroque, or as I have dubbed him, MC Frodo. I don't feel the need to explain that nickname. Anyway, he is brazen, obnoxious, generally drunk the whole time, and highly entertaining. Actually, that basically describes the judges as well. One was a staff writer from the New York Times, so out of place yet somehow fitting. The second, a woman who is also a Captain, was kind of a slut - or at least that was her schtick. The third was Hot Lixx Hulahan, last year's World Air Guitar Champion. Yeah, I forgot to mention that - the winner of the US Finals gets to compete at the World Championship in Finland. Finns are really into air guitar, apparently.

Performers are judged on three things: Technical Proficiency, Stage Presence, and the elusive third factor known as "Airness." So, basically, you are graded on an Olympic figure scating scale (4.0 - 6.0) based on how closely what you're doing resembles guitar playing, how well you own the stage and the crowd, and how cool/rediculous you look doing it.

In the first round, all performers get 1 minute to perform a routine to a song of their choosing. My good friend Colin was among these performers, and I thought he actually did a really solid job performing to The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again." The first round is where the most rediculous performances are seen. One guy was carried on stage in a giant cardboard amp which he thusly burst out of. One guy rode out on a tricycle. The costumes were flamboyant and outrageous. The performers are alternately lauded and rediculed. The comments were witty, scathing, and sometimes downright obscene. MC Frodo and the judges were in top form.

In the second round, the top 5 performers (based on score) perform a routine to a mandatory song that none of them have heard beforehand. The mandatory song this time was an oddly-done edit of "Carry on My Wayward Son." The performers who made it to the second round were: Johnny Dangerously, Shreddy Boop (the only female performer), Mitt Umlaut, Tommy Fretless, and crowd favorites Sanjar the Destroyer (STD) and veteran The Shred (easily the oldest performer in his 40s). STD and The Shred put on such a dazzling display of airness that they were tied for first and an air-off was called for. This time, the two of them performed to an edit of Boston's "Foreplay/Long Time" and kicked even more ass than before. It amazes me that even in their third performance of the night both contestants were still able to keep things fresh and exciting for the crowd.

The unbelievable happened. The judges could not agree who was the winner. They implored the crowd to decide, but it was impossible to determine who the crowd was cheering for louder. Between the chanting of "STD! STD!" and what seemed to be The Shred's entire immediate and extended family in the audience, the judges could not decide. They convened privately. The tension was thick and palpable. Sweat was flowing as freely as the beer. The judges announced their decision. In an unprecedented move in air guitar history, both STD and The Shred were announced the winners, and both will return to DC for the US Finals. Then the crowd bum rushed the stage and nearly broke the damn thing as "Freebird" blasted away.

I'm considering competing in DC next year. You have to be at least 21 to compete since it's sort of an unspoken rule that everyone who competes is fairly plastered. Hell, the US Air Guitar Championship is almost always sponsored by some sort of alcohol producer. By his own admission, MC Frodo is usually drunk throughout the entire evening.

I advise anyone who can manage to go to the US Finals being held back at the 930 club in DC. It will be the epic of the epic. Good luck and God speed to Colin, Sean, and Rocky who are performing at the regional championship in Philly tonight.

"US Air Guitar Championships: 25 Cities. 1 Winner. 0 Guitars."