here was a time, I think, when I had a vision of my life that was clear and immutable...the elegance of its simplicity speaks to a certain way of thinking that we lose as we get older. The mind of my childhood self saw only one path for the future. I think I always wanted to be a writer.
To fill pages with my ideas, and for others to be filled by these ideas, and make them their own, seemed to me the most rewarding a career there could be. I've written poems, short stories, screenplays, essays, and countless fragments of novels that now clutter the hard drive of my computer. But it seems the better my writing style becomes, the more difficult it is for me to actually come up with ideas. The only thing I've written lately (besides this blog of course) has been poetry...I can no longer summon the commitment to create anything more substantial. But now that I'm writing on this blog, to which I owe Colin a great deal for convincing me to contribute to, I can sense that old feeling creeping up in me again. It is that feeling that would compel me to spend great amounts of time staring at a screen, letting something that formerly existed only as freeform thought take shape with structure and purpose.
Now I find myself in a far different place. I never would have predicted that I would choose to major in computer science. At what point did I ever really express an interest in this stuff? I don't know, yet here I am. The conflict I seem to be embroiled in - that is, to resolve other people's image of me as the analytical, rational, mathematical type with my internal image of myself as an artist and a creative thinker - from whence does it stem? Do I seek other people's approval too much? I don't think so...honestly I think it just comes down to the fact I like money too much to ever make writing a full-time occupation. I wish I was joking, but honestly the whole starving artist thing is incongruent with my plan for myself. I want a career, not just a hobby.
The question that I have to ask myself then is this: can I really hope to be successful in such a demanding industry when I know it's not 100% what I want to do? Unfortunately, because of my desire to actually have some semblance of a social life, I can't compete with the super-nerds. You know the ones I mean. These are the guys who live and breathe this stuff, the wannabe hackers, the ones who know computers inside and out. They know the subject matter better than I probably ever will, and that's simple truth. I apologize to anyone who may take offense at these statements, but I have to be honest and say that a great deal of the people in my computer science classes match the stereotype spot-on.
So why am I seemingly wasting my time with a major that I'm not sure is for me? The answer is that I believe that the industry is changing, or at least going to change. Computers are becoming advanced enough, or will at least reach the point eventually, that a new type of professional will become necessary. The days of row after row of cubicles filled with mindless code monkeys will vanish, if it hasn't already. The industry will need people with creative minds, who can relate to other people and are not intimidated by human contact, because the focus will no longer be on how to make computers do what we want but rather on what exactly we should be doing with them. I feel that although technology continually improves, innovation has plateaued somewhat. The Internet has created a whole generation of moronic, meme-driven pop culture addicts whose communication skills (especially written) are swiftly going down the toilet.
I wish to stand out from this generation. I wish to change the way we use computers, that the next generation won't be even more cynical and detached than my own. I'd like to at this point recommend that everyone listen to the song "Fear of a Blank Planet" by Porcupine Tree as it pretty much follows my point exactly. We need to cultivate the Internet into a place that favors intelligent people...someone once described television as a "vast wasteland" but I think this description is far more applicable to the Intarwebs. Also, can we please get rid of LOLCats once and for all?
I think I sound really pretentious and condescending right now, but I also think this was something that I needed to tell myself. Ever since I dropped my CMSC 341 class I've been plagued with frustration and self-doubt as to whether I'm in the right major. I literally had the revelation above as I was typing it, and now that I read it I am filled with a renewed confidence. I have criticized myself before for lacking ambition and motivation, and for thinking too small. So I'm going to adjust my career aims somewhat; after all, it's better to aim too high, right? I'm no longer going to focus solely on becoming a game designer (an idea that I've been having second thoughts about recently). Instead, my overall goal now is to someday revitalize the IT industry for the betterment of all society. That sounds a lot more respectable than saying I just want to make video games, doesn't it?
Is it likely that I'll ever rise to such a monumental challenge? Probably not. But at least now I feel like I have a reason to stick with computer science other than the meager promise of a boring but high-paying job sitting in a cubicle that I'll never escape from.
I'll probably keep writing as well.
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